Vindication

No more pain, no more doubts
No more fear, no more anger
No more negativity, no more hate
No more disappointment, no more pessimism
No more regret, no more tears

Just passion; just dedication.
Just loyalty; just care.
Just affection; just forgiveness.

Just love; just love.

Reflection

Dearest,

You're what's made me the happiest the past God-Knows-How-Long.

Even lately, when you make me feel like shit and let me down, I can never stay mad at you just because you mean so much to me. But now, you make me feel like shit more than you make me happy. Over and over this happens, a vicious cycle that I can't take anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt for a second that you care about me.
Yet, I don't think I should sit around and wait anymore.

It's just been too long. I've grown to dependent on you and I may have to stop expecting anything out of you. I know I wasn't the problem, but it's coming to the point where I'm becoming a problem- you hurt me and there's nothing you can do to take it back. Nevertheless, I forgive you. You'll keep hurting me and I'll keep forgiving you.

I've always wanted the best for you. Always. And it just may not be me anymore because what you do to me is...well, unhealthy and renders me weak and pathetic.

What I'm trying to say is that you're holding me back.
I've realized that in order to achieve confidence, I have to let you go and stand up for myself.

Is that what you want? Is that what I want? Maybe it's best if I just never talk to you again. Maybe...

I'm not writing to doubt and abandon you, though.
I'm not writing to threaten you.

I know that there's always an easy way...and then the right way.
What's the right thing to do?...

I'm tired of waiting, y'know? You're not making a move, you're not making a decision. You've been suffering for too long- I've been suffering too long. I can't help you, and I'm sorry. Perhaps...if you have the inability to do so then maybe I'll have to make one. I'm begging you, don't let me make the decision because I swear to God, you might never see me again and everything, everything, everything...

...Will be gone.

I'm holding on with one more finger...it feels like the only hold I have on you left.
That last finger is your last chance.

I'm so lucky to have even met you, let alone be close to you.
I still don't believe I ever deserved your attention.

You're one of a kind.

-AJ

Locking the Doors that Never Opened

My parents always told me that I couldn't trust anyone because everyone just looks out for themselves and doesn't give a shit about me. I grew up not believing in that because I knew better; I believed in the common good of mankind. Why would someone want to hurt me if I did nothing to them, right?

Wrong.

My parents were right. You can't trust anyone. You just can't.
Everyone will let you down. Everyone will betray you.

They only need to know what they need to know; they only need to see what they need to see. So what if this kind of life leads down a trail of loneliness and isolation? So be it. It's no different than wanting not to be alone, yet showing to respect for yourself- in turn no one will show respect for you, after all.

My parents were right, after all...
Even the people closest to you will betray you and GODDAMMIT it hurts the most. It doesn't even mean your best friend or your lover, but it could be someone in your family, even your own mother...anyone can hurt you at anytime and the closer you hold them to your heart the more they'll rip out.

I give up...

No one wants to know who I am, after all. Right?
So be it.